I used to be the type of mom who lay awake the night before the first day of school or a birthday and bawl. Like shaking crying, my husband rubbing my back (and probably rolling his eyes) because my baby was growing up and inevitably apart from me. I had themed birthday parties and took millions of pictures and everything had to be just so, FOR ME.
My kids are spaced pretty far apart, so I really did get to enjoy every baby individually, then I would send said baby to preschool or kindergarten just in time to have a new baby. But, something happened to me 4 years ago-I can’t put my finger on it- maybe it was my career change, maybe it was having a third child and feeling outnumbered. Maybe it was the immense difference I felt between raising girls and then a boy. Maybe it was the challenge I faced in raising my son, maybe it was the life experience and heartbreak that I saw in parents around me. Maybe it was all of it. But I stopped being sad about milestones and I started praying for them.
I begged and pleaded in my heart and my mind for a new word, to stop washing bottles, for potty training to start, for preschool, for everything. It isn’t because I’m wishing away the little…it’s the opposite. I’m hoping for the big.
I know too many parents who don’t get what I am privileged to have. Their hearts break when they see back to school pictures and birthdays on others’ feeds because they don’t have one to post. They would give anything to experience what I get to have and do and see. Three times.
I know too many kids who don’t have a mom to cry about their milestones and take the pictures. I have too many friends whose moms don’t get to be there for their weddings and grandkids and all the tiny things in between. And while I don’t want to rush a thing, I want to be there for all of it.
So I might squeak out a tear or two, that piece of me will never change, but I don’t mourn the loss of the end of a season with any of my kids. I won’t allow myself to miss who they were, because I have the ultimate gift-I am able to see and experience who they are becoming. I know too many people who would give anything to trade me places.
