Speak Love July 2022 SCN

This is an opinion column and while I do voice my opinion in certain ways, I really don’t care to share my views on politics, religion, and other polarizing topics unless I’m in a safe space and we can speak personally about it.  I have a very public career and I know that what I share reflects not only who I am, but my character.  I never want others to discredit me because I have different opinions than them. Unfortunately, in this complex world, it seems that hate is strong and differences divide.

That being said, in this ever-changing world, I have learned that some of my closest friends and I are very different in our views and beliefs. I have come to learn that I differ immensely than many professionals that I work alongside.  Even some people I deeply respect don’t see eye to eye with me. Here’s the thing. I. DON’T. CARE. We can coexist, be friends, and live happily in each other’s presence. 

But, here is what I’m going to share about my views today. I’m sharing this for two parts of me: the part of me as a parent of three and the other as an educator of hundreds of kids. 

I don’t want to have to explain to my kids the why of what you are doing or saying. I don’t want to discuss with my nine-year-old why the F word is on a flag in your yard. She can read it and it’s inappropriate for any child to see and she would never be allowed to say or write that. So, I have to discredit you. We don’t talk about the politics; we talk about the lack of respect.  I struggle to converse with my teen about your beliefs or agenda that spill over into her classroom, on the court, or on the field. Whether we agree or not isn’t the issue; her moral compass is in her home and we discuss those issues there and we represent both sides equally. I might politely smile and chuckle when you gripe to my 5 year old helping me pump gas about prices, but I’m thrilled he doesn’t understand what you’re saying because I’m not having that discussion with my son at this point in his life. It’s not appropriate. Can’t you just say hi and tell him he’s a great helper? 

Be mindful. Keep love on your tongue. Remember, while this world is turning somersaults, many, many of us are raising and educating innocent children who don’t have any clue or experience and all they have are the adults around them modeling to formulate their own eventual views.  Everyone is entitled to an opinion and even an audience if they choose, but I’ll challenge you to ask yourself these questions as you share, no matter the platform or the venue, because that is what I’d ask of my elementary aged students and my very own kids:

Is it respectful?

Is it responsible and/or do you have evidence to prove it?

Is your attitude positive or negative?

Does this show that you are a person of integrity?

Are you demonstrating self control?

Are you proud of and would others be proud of what you are doing/saying?

Is this honest?

Are you rising above and persevering in the face of a challenge?

So, I challenge everyone to think about who your target audience really is and if they’ll be reached. Then, think about the little ears and hearts that hear and see what is happening in the world around them. As adults we know these times are unsure and maybe even scary, but our kids don’t need to feel this way. I believe wholeheartedly in our rights and freedoms, but those should come with a responsibility and an obligation to keep decency in our communities for the sake of their future.

 

Be So Yourself Oct 2022 SCN

 Be so yourself 

I one hundred percent, absolutely have struggled to find myself, be myself around others, and feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve spent most of my life wishing I could change many of my personal traits from looks to success. I’ve spent a lot of time masking reality and presenting what I thought people wanted to see, but the older I get, I truly think I was hiding some of the better parts of who I really am. 

I spent my energy trying to juggle all the balls of professional and personal obligations and never noticeably dropping any of them. From my house to my kids to my work, I never wanted anyone to think or know I could or had ever missed a beat. I thought it would help me on my path to perfection and prove that I really could be it all and do it all. Plus I thought this would earn others’ friendship and respect. 

After my 3rd baby was born almost six years ago, my sister took a photo of me with my baby boy in his swaddle and my daughters with their dolls swaddled too, standing in front of my bed. In the background, there were some clothes (ok, several loads) sitting on a chair and my closet door was open. I posted the photo on my Facebook. 

I really never looked at the background; the subject matter was sweet and I was very sleep deprived. My husband admired the photo and said, “I’m proud of you, kid”  like he always does when I do something that surprises him that’s out of the ordinary. It wasn’t until then that I realized what I had done-I had literally posted my laundry on social media. It had been online for hours, and the world was still in one piece. 

I wish I could say from then on I was cured and I welcomed the world to behold all of my flaws and faults, because that didn’t happen, But it did start something very small…and slow. It was a little tiny mini-revolution. My husband and I were raising three kids, we were both working full time demanding jobs, and we were doing the best we could. If I couldn’t be real and honest about how tiresome and impossible it was to do it all and do it super well, I was going to lose my mind. 

So, I adopted a mindset that a friend of mine told me about that she started when she was turning 40. She had a figurative bucket that she threw things in that she no longer had time or energy for. In the last two years, I’ve thought of her advice many times. My time and I are valuable and I have to choose to let things go. Plus, I realize, people aren’t impressed by perfection. They can consult Pinterest for that. I think people are more interested in seeing the reality and the humor that is my life, not my sparkling kitchen. 

So, I’ve really worked hard to be authentic about who I am to others, and while I wish I was 100% there, I do feel like I’m getting close. I make jokes and write articles about my parenting and the craziness that is the Kerr Corral. I post pictures of my kids’ half eaten strawberry pints and toast lined up on my counter and ransom notes written between my daughters because that’s real life. And I don’t clean off my table or floor to take the photo anymore either. 

I think I reached my personal growth pinnacle on Saturday when a friend stopped by in the late afternoon. I was totally in my pajamas, my hair was in a claw clip. My son had no pants on. In fact, he had just flooded the bathroom. I had my entire closet emptied onto my bed, lunch was still on the counter, but she came in anyway. I didn’t close my bedroom door to hide it; she came right in and saw my project at hand, took a look around, and guess what? We’re still friends. 

I saw a quote the other other day that said “Be so completely yourself that everyone else feels safe being themselves too.” Words to live by…and it’s taken me almost 40 years and I’m still getting there. But, my hope is that I make it. If I’m not interested in an edited version of someone else, why would they be interested in any other version of me?

Holiday Hostage December 2022 SCN Article

 This year I put up my tree early. I told my husband that this was the year that I was going to enjoy December. I was going to be all done shopping and I was going to sit back and relax. However, my left eye started twitching on December 6th and it has not stopped. Between my obligations at home and school, all the holiday festivities, and everything else in between, there were some things that I hadn’t thought of, making my stress free month of celebration a total fantasy.

For example, I forgot to get my kindergartener an outfit for the Holiday Program and I was trying shoes on his feet praying one of them would fit the night prior. The very next day was my 5th grader’s band concert. Guess who didn’t have the correct length skirt to wear? I can’t even remember where my 10th grader was, but she was with her basketball team…somewhere. 

To top it off, I found myself shopping with my husband, at a mall, on December 17th. I’m not sure if this is allowed to be against your religion or not, but it probably should be. Then, we came home and loaded up our respective Amazon carts anyway. 

I love the holidays but they can be supremely overwhelming for a variety of reasons. Family dynamics, budget, overstimulation, over scheduling, and other factors can all lead to stress during “the most wonderful time of the year.” You don’t need to be held hostage for the holidays and you can make, break, or change anything you want at any time. You deserve whatever it is you’re looking for: rest, relaxation, joy, celebration, solitude, friends, family, or even something totally different. 

Although this particular season has been as stressful as any in my book, there are a few things that our family is doing or has done in the past that does help curb some of the chaos. 

1. You don’t need to buy a new outfit for your child for the Christmas program. You can’t even see their shoes when you’re sitting in the audience. 

2. You don’t have to do the secret Santa at work. If you want to, great, but if you don’t want to spend the time, money, or energy on it, then DON'T! 

3. It’s ok to tell friends and family that you want to scale back if thinking of the perfect gift is too stressful or isn’t permissible for your finances. Or maybe you know it will be a strain for someone else and they’re too afraid to say. Say it for them to take it off their plate. 

4. If you’re able, help a family, child, or senior in need. It’s a humbling experience and often makes it much easier to scale back your own holiday once you do this. Get your kids involved too. They need to see how others live and how they can learn to live generously and serve others. 

5. If you’re part of a couple, especially a new one, know that you will likely need to compromise. You might need to alternate holidays with in-laws or give up some things you’ve done your whole life because your partner feels strongly about their traditions too. Don’t expect that everything will be exactly the same. Try to be open minded.

6. If you’re a parent, create your own traditions with your kids. This might echo you or your spouse's childhood or may be something entirely new. This makes number 5 way easier. It’s also perfectly fine to devote yourself to your immediate family and to say no thank you to invitations or plans if you want to protect your time with your spouse and kids.

7. If you’re feeling smothered or stressed by something you’ve always done or somewhere you’ve always gone for the holidays and it doesn’t make you happy, then STOP! You deserve to eliminate the item. 

The moral here is, you can treat the holiday season however you see fit. Enjoy it how you want, when you like, with whoever you want to share it with. May your days be merry and bright, and fingers crossed everyone’s packages arrive in time. Best wishes for a happy, healthy 2023! 

It’s Not Just Tubes

It’s been a week…of waiting and anxiety and tears. My precious boy had his surgery scheduled for today. In the past few weeks a few people have commented “just tubes?” or some variation of that. I know it’s common and lots of kids get them, but for our family, there’s no such thing. Our healthy 18 month old little boy went in for “just tubes” in April of 2018 and it changed the whole trajectory of his life and ours. 

Even after that first surgery Wiley had constant ear infections, a hearing test was never performed, and he started to lose speech, until he said nothing and only threw fits. Finally, about a year later, after his ENT told me that it didn’t hurt when he checked his ears when he was screaming in pain, we sought another opinion. 

Our then three year old had his first hearing test and was slated to get a new set of tubes because the new ENT said his hearing was like he was 20 feet underwater when we spoke to him. For the formative years of our son’s life from 18 months until 3, he was not just not listening. He couldn’t hear. To say his communication suffered was an understatement.

The procedure was supposed to take 15 minutes. The doctor was in the operating room for over an hour. When he came out, he told us our son had “interesting ears”. He had an allergy to the plastic used and the tubes were held in with scabs and scar tissue. He said he had only seen this one other time. Wiley was likely in pain every day. His ear drums were reconstructed and patched. 

My special boy is 6 now, and he has made giant leaps and bounds; we can go to restaurants, he can sit for a haircut, and he isn’t terrified of doctors, but he isn’t like everyone else and we don’t know if he ever will be. He had his surgery today and was such a brave, good boy and we got so many compliments on his behavior. People were stopping in just to let us know in the recovery room. We aren’t used to that. I’m crying while I type this. 

So, it’s not just tubes. It’s guilt and fury and grief and other things that I can’t explain and that I can’t fix. And it’s not pity I want for him or advice that I want for me. It’s just understanding. It’s advocacy. I knew more than that first ENT did about my son. I didn’t push hard enough, I didn’t question enough, and I will always grapple with that. I don’t trust people with my son because he cannot verbalize an injustice. I am afraid that he will be mistreated or worse and I can’t protect him because I’ll never know. So I hover, and explain, and justify everything to myself and others because I’m his mom and that’s my job. And if you make it into the circle of people I trust with my son, you’re one of the elect in my book. 

But also, I feel like people want an explanation. They want a label. Is he autistic? What’s wrong with him? His formal “diagnosis” is Early Childhood Developmental Delay at school. Medically he has a speech delay due to hearing loss. It’s not simple. It’s not his fault. And as a family we try really, really hard to reverse what’s been broken and teach him new things and keep moving forward. And we are moving forward, and so is he. But it’s at Wiley’s pace. There are times when I feel like it’s painstakingly slow, but if I think back to what he has been through and how far he has come, I really am just so proud. My mom diagnosis is that my boy knows a lot, says a little, is crazy busy and brilliant. He can also pick a good human out of a crowd and will make you earn his affection. He is persistent and sweet, and he’s nobody’s fool. I’m excited to see what happens in the next three years; I bet his future will be pretty bright. 😎