Monday, November 13, 2017
First
After having my third child last year, I thought about my first. It seemed like so long since she was a baby (9 years!) and I found myself reflecting upon how much different being a third time mom was than the first. Then, over the weekend, my sister mentioned how much I have changed after each of my children, in a good way. I forgot that I had written this and it looks as though it has been almost exactly a year. After some editing, I decided it was time to publish.
If you only knew how incredibly terrifying you really were, especially for a control freak like me.
How many years has it taken to figure you out? My life has been dedicated to breaking your code and figuring out what made you tick.
What made you happy?
What made you sad?
What made you sleep?
I found myself in the process. There are times when I feel like you are probably the closest thing to a guinea pig I could have had. I read books, I looked at pamphlets. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted you to be perfect too.
I've put quite a bit of pressure on both of us trying to achieve that. And I am so sorry. I think I wanted you so badly, so desperately, so deeply, that I was scared to fail.
In truth, you were terrifying because I was new. I was just a kid myself. 24 years old. I think I have socks that old right now. But there I was, having a BABY and I had no clue what I was doing. You were like fine China or a precious jewel. Rare, beautiful, valuable, irreplaceable...and you still are.
I was so afraid of messing up, of being the bad mom, of having a bad kid that I did and said things that I probably shouldn't have.
I think I was too rigid, impatient, and overbearing, and you might argue that I still am.
But, as scary as you were, you were equally love-inducing. You instilled a sense of pride in me that nothing else ever has. There was nothing I wouldn't do for you. You lit a fire in me that no one else ever has. You showed me that love has no limits, no quotas, no rules. It makes my heart burst and my eyes overflow just thinking about it. I cannot begin to explain the love I feel for you. When you say you love me, and I reply, I love you more, it is true. You will NEVER know the way I feel about you until you have children of your own.
It doesn't matter how many siblings you have, or how old you get, or how annoying or embarrassing you think I am, you are the only human on this earth who can say, I made her into a new person, because you did. I've never been the same physically, mentally, emotionally or otherwise since the day I found out you were on your way.
You taught me that life is worth living for someone else.
You turned my dreams down a different path.
You made me more proud than anything I've ever done in my life.
You showed me I was strong.
You showed me I was weak.
I have been overwhelmed by you.
I have been awestruck by you.
I have been transformed by you.
You have (at times) been my greatest challenge, but you've also been my greatest achievement.
There is nothing that you can't do, because you've already done something impossible. You changed me.
A WILD Ride
I've been avoiding this post all day. As I held my baby in my arms last night as he slept, I thought, "how much longer?" Will he let me do this for another week, a month, a year? No matter how long, it will come and go so quickly. Then, I'll wake up one morning and try to think of the last time I held him as his little eyes closed, and I won't remember.
This boy has taught me so much...he has changed me in days my girls haven't. I'm not sure if it's advanced maternal age this time, REALLY being my last baby, or being outnumbered, but I am a different mother now. Aside from his week one ER visit, I don't freak out (as much). I tried to buy the cheap diapers. I haven't shown him how to use silverware. I skip hair washing. I let him crawl. At school. I snuggle him as much as he will allow, I fall asleep with him in my arms. We don't cry it out. I'm okay with all of it because this too shall pass. Time is something I wish was editable. I have seen how fast the baby stage goes two other times and I tried my very best to treasure it this time. Hold it. Keep it. Soak it in.
No matter how impossible it seems, somehow a whole year has passed since I called my sister to stay the night because I thought I MIGHT have a baby in the next day or two and I wanted someone with me in case we had to leave in the middle of the night. I cleaned my garage, my car, got my oil changed, ate all of my craving foods, got groceries, put a bag in the car, and sent Bill to the volleyball game. He got home, went to bed, and I submitted college assignments a week ahead of time. I felt funny, went to the bathroom and my water broke. I went to wake my husband up and we flipped back the covers and revealed that instead of pajamas, he was fully dressed, with socks, just in case. By 10:11 p.m. we were leaving for Bad Axe, going at what I'm sure are record speeds, and got pulled over on the way there.
It felt like a bad sitcom-
Bill's yellow sweatshirt waving the policeman over, grimacing through contractions, and when asked if I needed an ambulance, I growled "NOT IF YOU LET US GO!" The whole ride was full of visions of delivering the baby in the car, wrecking the interior, Bill passing out...or being a closet EMT or Douala. It could have gone either way.
And at 11:48 p.m. my precious boy had arrived. He is the perfect example of everything happening for a reason. He has brought a joy and balance to our family I never imagined and has filled a place in my heart I never knew existed. Happy first birthday, Wild Man!
#WilderRussell
#wildman
#oneyearold
This boy has taught me so much...he has changed me in days my girls haven't. I'm not sure if it's advanced maternal age this time, REALLY being my last baby, or being outnumbered, but I am a different mother now. Aside from his week one ER visit, I don't freak out (as much). I tried to buy the cheap diapers. I haven't shown him how to use silverware. I skip hair washing. I let him crawl. At school. I snuggle him as much as he will allow, I fall asleep with him in my arms. We don't cry it out. I'm okay with all of it because this too shall pass. Time is something I wish was editable. I have seen how fast the baby stage goes two other times and I tried my very best to treasure it this time. Hold it. Keep it. Soak it in.
No matter how impossible it seems, somehow a whole year has passed since I called my sister to stay the night because I thought I MIGHT have a baby in the next day or two and I wanted someone with me in case we had to leave in the middle of the night. I cleaned my garage, my car, got my oil changed, ate all of my craving foods, got groceries, put a bag in the car, and sent Bill to the volleyball game. He got home, went to bed, and I submitted college assignments a week ahead of time. I felt funny, went to the bathroom and my water broke. I went to wake my husband up and we flipped back the covers and revealed that instead of pajamas, he was fully dressed, with socks, just in case. By 10:11 p.m. we were leaving for Bad Axe, going at what I'm sure are record speeds, and got pulled over on the way there.
It felt like a bad sitcom-
Bill's yellow sweatshirt waving the policeman over, grimacing through contractions, and when asked if I needed an ambulance, I growled "NOT IF YOU LET US GO!" The whole ride was full of visions of delivering the baby in the car, wrecking the interior, Bill passing out...or being a closet EMT or Douala. It could have gone either way.
And at 11:48 p.m. my precious boy had arrived. He is the perfect example of everything happening for a reason. He has brought a joy and balance to our family I never imagined and has filled a place in my heart I never knew existed. Happy first birthday, Wild Man!
#WilderRussell
#wildman
#oneyearold
Friday, November 10, 2017
Happily Ever After: The Marriage Mentality
It has been 11 years and 315 days, 3 addresses, 4 jobs, and 3 children since my happily ever after started. That doesn't seem mathematically possible, because I am still 25 years old. But I digress.
I am sitting here, unable to sleep, staring at a picture of a younger version of myself, dressed in white, and ready to embark on the biggest adventure of my life. Standing next to me is my twin that came along almost 11 years late. She is 11. I am 22. She wears little glasses and writes odes to me in her English class not knowing that I wrote poems about her in mine.
She got to wear a bridesmaids dress, eat from a chocolate fountain, and request a song from a DJ all for the first time on December 31, 2005. I remember the DJ announcing that he was playing a special request from Linsey to her big sister, Leann. Then "Oh my God, Becky, look at her butt..." boomed from the speakers and I knew I did something right. I've always tried to lead by example, and teaching my sisters the words to "Baby Got Back" as soon as they were physically able might be one of the best examples of leadership I've ever displayed.
I am filled with so many emotions as I think about what tomorrow will bring for my youngest sister. Marriage is so many things, and many of them are inexplicable until you are in the trenches. I have a sign in my house that has 1 Corinthians 13:4 printed on it. It isn't hanging up because it's my favorite scripture. It's hanging up because I know it is true. Loving a spouse is different than anything you've ever done and it takes time to figure out what marriage really means. That definition also changes with time and as you go through the different stages of partnership. So, below I have laid out the Kerr Marriage Mentality. NOTE: This is MY read on the popular scripture. I know the true meaning, but I think it has this parallel one as well.
LOVE IS PATIENT: It is so incredibly hard to be patient. You want what you want when you want it (I'm talking big stuff- non-returnables, like babies, homes, motorcycles, etc). Your partner is going to feel this way too. Don't jump into anything too quickly. Take time to think and reflect. If things turn out badly, don't blame one another. Know that everything happens for a reason. Someone will do something that annoys, irritates, or angers the other. Choose your battles carefully and in the end remember one thing. YOU CHOSE EACH OTHER. You cannot pick your parents, siblings, or children, but you can pick your partner. Since this person was hand selected by you, he/she is worth the fight, the letting go, or the compromise.
LOVE IS KIND: When you are with someone for days, weeks, months, and years on end, you are going to learn and know things about the other that no one else does. You do each other's laundry. The saying about not airing dirty laundry came from somewhere. So, the gist of that is that he might snore. Her feet might be gross. Those are things that are private and between the two of you. Kindness exists when you know the shortcomings and the imperfections of another and continue to love them in spite of or even because of them. Kindness (beyond it's obvious meaning) is living with those things and accepting them, without complaint, to others.
IT ALWAYS PROTECTS: Love doesn't always keep you safe. It can blind you in ways that you didn't know existed. However, back to the point about choosing someone as your mate: if he/she was worth choosing, he/she is worth protecting. That might mean siding with them in an argument, or defending him/her if the need arises. That same sentiment should work the other way too. You should know, deep in your heart, that the person walking through life with you has your back both in public and in private. Always strive to protect each other.
ALWAYS TRUSTS: You should be able to trust the person you choose in your life to make decisions without you there. Maybe not huge ones like major purchases or baby names, but he/she should be able to spend mutual money, go places, and have friends of their own within reason. If you doubt this person in minor capacities, trust is disintegrated and this all important pillar of a marriage is gone, making it unstable.
ALWAYS HOPES: This one is so easy. Just take the s off the end. Always hope. Hope for the things you want. Hope for the life you want. Hope for happiness. Hope for children. Hope for financial security. Hope for good luck. But, know that hoping cannot bring you everything, or really anything at all. Help hope along. Make decisions and plan. But, know that the power of positive thinking never hurt anyone. If you don't get exactly what you want when you want it how you want it, look at it as a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason. You may not understand it at the time, but it is likely a gift you'll understand later.
ALWAYS PERSEVERES: There's a saying that says don't go to bed angry. Try to do this. But, if you can't always, it's alright. Love for another person can help you make it through almost anything. You are going to fight at times. You are going to disagree. Passion and emotion are what make people fall in love- and argue! You should have your own thoughts, opinions, beliefs, needs, and wants. Those things might cause unrest at times. Love will prevail. You will figure out a way to agree, agree to disagree, or compromise with your spouse and you will be the better for it.
LOVE NEVER FAILS: Even when times are tough, when you don't think you'll make it through, remind yourself of why you chose the person you did. True love is a wonderful thing and it will evolve as your life does. You will see your partner in different lights through your entire life. You will see them at their worst, their best, their craziest, their saddest, their happiest, their most embarrassing. You are privy to all of it. It can be scary. It can be messy. But, it is amazing and totally worth it.
*********************************************************************************
So, to my little sister, on her wedding day, I also want to say this. You are one of my very favorites and I hope tomorrow and your happily every after is even better than you dreamed it would be. I am honored to stand by your side and I'll always be there for you. You sure have come along way, kid. Can't wait to recreate this picture tomorrow with our more mature selves. XOXOXOXOXO
#holymonzomony #babygotback #11yearslate
I am sitting here, unable to sleep, staring at a picture of a younger version of myself, dressed in white, and ready to embark on the biggest adventure of my life. Standing next to me is my twin that came along almost 11 years late. She is 11. I am 22. She wears little glasses and writes odes to me in her English class not knowing that I wrote poems about her in mine.
She got to wear a bridesmaids dress, eat from a chocolate fountain, and request a song from a DJ all for the first time on December 31, 2005. I remember the DJ announcing that he was playing a special request from Linsey to her big sister, Leann. Then "Oh my God, Becky, look at her butt..." boomed from the speakers and I knew I did something right. I've always tried to lead by example, and teaching my sisters the words to "Baby Got Back" as soon as they were physically able might be one of the best examples of leadership I've ever displayed.
I am filled with so many emotions as I think about what tomorrow will bring for my youngest sister. Marriage is so many things, and many of them are inexplicable until you are in the trenches. I have a sign in my house that has 1 Corinthians 13:4 printed on it. It isn't hanging up because it's my favorite scripture. It's hanging up because I know it is true. Loving a spouse is different than anything you've ever done and it takes time to figure out what marriage really means. That definition also changes with time and as you go through the different stages of partnership. So, below I have laid out the Kerr Marriage Mentality. NOTE: This is MY read on the popular scripture. I know the true meaning, but I think it has this parallel one as well.
LOVE IS PATIENT: It is so incredibly hard to be patient. You want what you want when you want it (I'm talking big stuff- non-returnables, like babies, homes, motorcycles, etc). Your partner is going to feel this way too. Don't jump into anything too quickly. Take time to think and reflect. If things turn out badly, don't blame one another. Know that everything happens for a reason. Someone will do something that annoys, irritates, or angers the other. Choose your battles carefully and in the end remember one thing. YOU CHOSE EACH OTHER. You cannot pick your parents, siblings, or children, but you can pick your partner. Since this person was hand selected by you, he/she is worth the fight, the letting go, or the compromise.
LOVE IS KIND: When you are with someone for days, weeks, months, and years on end, you are going to learn and know things about the other that no one else does. You do each other's laundry. The saying about not airing dirty laundry came from somewhere. So, the gist of that is that he might snore. Her feet might be gross. Those are things that are private and between the two of you. Kindness exists when you know the shortcomings and the imperfections of another and continue to love them in spite of or even because of them. Kindness (beyond it's obvious meaning) is living with those things and accepting them, without complaint, to others.
IT ALWAYS PROTECTS: Love doesn't always keep you safe. It can blind you in ways that you didn't know existed. However, back to the point about choosing someone as your mate: if he/she was worth choosing, he/she is worth protecting. That might mean siding with them in an argument, or defending him/her if the need arises. That same sentiment should work the other way too. You should know, deep in your heart, that the person walking through life with you has your back both in public and in private. Always strive to protect each other.
ALWAYS TRUSTS: You should be able to trust the person you choose in your life to make decisions without you there. Maybe not huge ones like major purchases or baby names, but he/she should be able to spend mutual money, go places, and have friends of their own within reason. If you doubt this person in minor capacities, trust is disintegrated and this all important pillar of a marriage is gone, making it unstable.
ALWAYS HOPES: This one is so easy. Just take the s off the end. Always hope. Hope for the things you want. Hope for the life you want. Hope for happiness. Hope for children. Hope for financial security. Hope for good luck. But, know that hoping cannot bring you everything, or really anything at all. Help hope along. Make decisions and plan. But, know that the power of positive thinking never hurt anyone. If you don't get exactly what you want when you want it how you want it, look at it as a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason. You may not understand it at the time, but it is likely a gift you'll understand later.
ALWAYS PERSEVERES: There's a saying that says don't go to bed angry. Try to do this. But, if you can't always, it's alright. Love for another person can help you make it through almost anything. You are going to fight at times. You are going to disagree. Passion and emotion are what make people fall in love- and argue! You should have your own thoughts, opinions, beliefs, needs, and wants. Those things might cause unrest at times. Love will prevail. You will figure out a way to agree, agree to disagree, or compromise with your spouse and you will be the better for it.
LOVE NEVER FAILS: Even when times are tough, when you don't think you'll make it through, remind yourself of why you chose the person you did. True love is a wonderful thing and it will evolve as your life does. You will see your partner in different lights through your entire life. You will see them at their worst, their best, their craziest, their saddest, their happiest, their most embarrassing. You are privy to all of it. It can be scary. It can be messy. But, it is amazing and totally worth it.
*********************************************************************************
So, to my little sister, on her wedding day, I also want to say this. You are one of my very favorites and I hope tomorrow and your happily every after is even better than you dreamed it would be. I am honored to stand by your side and I'll always be there for you. You sure have come along way, kid. Can't wait to recreate this picture tomorrow with our more mature selves. XOXOXOXOXO
#holymonzomony #babygotback #11yearslate
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