First

After having my third child last year, I thought about my first.  It seemed like so long since she was a baby (9 years!) and I found myself reflecting upon how much different being a third time mom was than the first.  Then, over the weekend, my sister mentioned how much I have changed after each of my children, in a good way.  I forgot that I had written this and it looks as though it has been almost exactly a year. After some editing, I decided it was time to publish.

If you only knew how incredibly terrifying you really were, especially for a control freak like me. 

How many years has it taken to figure you out?  My life has been dedicated to breaking your code and figuring out what made you tick.

What made you happy?
What made you sad?
What made you sleep?

I found myself in the process. There are times when I feel like you are probably the closest thing to a guinea pig I could have had. I read books, I looked at pamphlets. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted you to be perfect too.

I've put quite a bit of pressure on both of us trying to achieve that. And I am so sorry. I think I wanted you so badly, so desperately, so deeply, that I was scared to fail.

In truth, you were terrifying because I was new. I was just a kid myself. 24 years old. I think I have socks that old right now. But there I was, having a BABY and I had no clue what I was doing.  You were like fine China or a precious jewel. Rare, beautiful, valuable, irreplaceable...and you still are.

I was so afraid of messing up, of being the bad mom, of having a bad kid that I did and said things that I probably shouldn't have. 

I think I was too rigid, impatient, and overbearing, and you might argue that I still am.

But, as scary as you were, you were equally love-inducing. You instilled a sense of pride in me that nothing else ever has.  There was nothing I wouldn't do for you. You lit a fire in me that no one else ever has. You showed me that love has no limits, no quotas, no rules. It makes my heart burst and my eyes overflow just thinking about it.  I cannot begin to explain the love I feel for you.  When you say you love me, and I reply, I love you more, it is true.  You will NEVER know the way I feel about you until you have children of your own.

It doesn't matter how many siblings you have, or how old you get, or how annoying or embarrassing you think I am, you are the only human on this earth who can say, I made her into a new person, because you did. I've never been the same physically, mentally, emotionally or otherwise since the day I found out you were on your way.

You taught me that life is worth living for someone else.
You turned my dreams down a different path.
You made me more proud than anything I've ever done in my life.
You showed me I was strong.
You showed me I was weak.

I have been overwhelmed by you.
I have been awestruck by you.
I have been transformed by you.

You have (at times) been my greatest challenge, but you've also been my greatest achievement.

There is nothing that you can't do, because you've already done something impossible. You changed me.