I don’t know why every time one of my sisters gets married I end up awake at 2:00 am thinking about them and the fact that there is no way they are old enough to be getting married. You will always be 12 in my mind, and I find that part of my life hard to accept.
Being the oldest sister with lots of life experience is something that I don’t really tout about, but I feel like it’s a trick I can pull out of my back pocket whenever I need to guide one of my younger sisters in the right direction. I’ve always felt a sense of duty toward all three of you-I wanted to be a good example. I wanted to play sports and get good grades, be a model student, a model citizen, the perfect teen for you to aspire to be. That meant doing everything right, or at least as far as you knew.
Being adult while your siblings are teens and children is interesting. Again, I wanted to show you just how good I could be. I wanted you to see me in the best light, letting you have sleepovers at my apartment, taking you places, and showing you how great life was as an adult. I was a college graduate and wife by the time I was 22. I was balancing a full-time teaching career and being a mom at 24. I tried to hold it all together and balance it just so, because again, I wanted to show you that you can have it all. You can do it all. But, what I didn’t want to let on was that it was HARD.
Some people have an easier time that others admitting that they are challenged or struggling. I am not the first person to ask for help or to tell others that I’m floundering. Or at least that’s how I used to be. The part about being an example that has taken me the longest to figure out is that being vulnerable and sharing your struggles makes you a more approachable, endearing person. But, now, at the age of 35, juggling a more demanding job, an 11 year-old girl-tween, a 6 year-old sassy-pants, and two year old tornado, I can use all the help I can get. There’s been plenty of times when I’ve had to call on my reinforcements-and you’ve always been one of them..
As time has passed, I have learned to find humor in the eye of the hurricane, because honestly, I spent my entire twenties melting down in puddles of tears over all the things I was trying to deal with on my own or thinking that I needed to do perfectly, or wishing that someone would help me do (but never asking), and it didn’t make me a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, or friend.
So, on your wedding day, as you start this new chapter of your life, I want you to know that, yes, being a newlywed is an exciting time, and you will look back on these days with fond memories and feelings. But, I can honestly tell you, it isn’t my favorite part of my life. My favorite part of my marriage and my life is right now. In medias res-in the middle of things, two weeks away from being 13 years into married life. I’ve never been busier. My husband has never been busier. We lament about the good ol’ days and how we used to think we were busy 12 years ago. But there is something beautiful about finding that someone and sticking it out even when times get tough. And trust me, there are plenty of ways it will get tough. Let me honest with you about all the things that I probably never told you before:
Something will go wrong that you just can’t fix on your own. Your dryer will break, your hot water heater will leak, a mouse or bat will make it in, or you might have to jack up your house and put in a new subfloor and tile half of your downstairs in one weekend. It won’t be funny when it happens, but you will look back at those times and laugh about it. You’ll look at each other and smile because you survived it, together.
Money will get tight. If you’re not experiencing this in the wedding planning stage, God Bless. I don’t mean to scare you, but it will probably get worse before it gets better. (See bullet above). You will figure it out, but know that you need to be honest with one another if things get rough. Don’t swallow it and try to keep secrets. Be on the same page here always.
If you decide to have a family, your life and your sleep patterns will change forever. You will see your spouse in a completely different light. You’ll probably struggle with the balance of new parenthood and who is in charge of what. You’ll probably be a little more on edge and maybe bicker a bit more just because you’re figuring it all out. But I swear to you, the love you feel for your significant other will be multiplied by more than I can describe the minute you see them with your child. Your heart will be bursting. I’m crying just thinking about it. The feeling doesn’t get old either. I’m on kid #3 and the feeling is more true every time.
You’re going to have to deal with drama. Maybe not full-on high school drama, but your husband or wife has feelings and emotions and is entitled to that, but so are you. You might find that there are some people that set one of you off and the other isn’t really affected. You might notice that your spouse gets irritated by one of your family members. You have to talk about it and figure out how to maneuver through. Don’t take everything personally. This is truly the thing I struggle with the most and it’s taken me the longest to figure out. Those feelings and emotions? Guess what? They’re not your problem unless you’re causing them or they are your own.
Treat your time together like a hot commodity. One thing that I can say that we didn’t appreciate or relish enough in the early parts of our marriage was our time together. Now, we value our time both with just the two of us and with all five of us on a whole new level. We actually guard it. Sometimes that means saying no to other plans. Sometimes that means deciding as a partnership that you can’t go to four Thanksgivings and five Christmases every year.
You’re going to get irritated. That’s life. But the thing about being married to someone who really knows you and loves you is that they can see it happening and they try to help. This means that he’s shoving the kids out the door and taking them to school to give you a break, or she’s grabbing the broom to sweep up the fifteenth bowl of snacks that has been spilled on the floor for today, or maybe you just rock back and forth with each other in the kitchen while one of you cries.
Life isn’t perfect. Marriage isn’t perfect. There are a hundred moments every day and a thousand things every week that equal out to the millions of things that will make up your life together. A lot of it will be HARD. But I promise you both, if you believe and trust in each other, you’ll look back on all the times you struggled and you’ll figure out a way to smile. Having someone there with you with makes it all worth it.
I am so very excited that you have met your match. Enjoy all the little things-they really do turn into the big things in the end. Happy Happily Ever After! <3
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